Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Shopping With Will

Anywhoo, I’m lying there under my umbrella, complete with a Virgin Mary, extra spicy just like I like, because my baby the cabana boy made it for me, when my satellite phone rang. Even though I'm at the Desert Island for three days it seems my fourteen-year-old son has invited all his friends, most of whom are cute fourteen-year-old girls, over for a cookout today. As it happens I have a pretty cool backyard, provided the kids pick up the dog stuff and they don't leave all their pool toys around. I've got an outdoor kitchen with a very nice grill (and yes, my children know not to call it a barbecue because even though we're from California we're not total heathens) and a palapa on the top that makes it look like a Polynesian tiki hut. We have a scattering of tiki torches and a pink flamingo or two.

It seems that despite the fact that I went grocery shopping three times this weekend, he has a list, and puppy dog eyes I can hear over the phone, so I thought I’d grab my BFF Will Lanier from ePistols at Dawn and ask him if he wants to go shopping with me.

Will agrees to do the deed and oversees my initial preparations. He pretends he thinks my Tiki Bar is tacky to my face, but when my back is turned he pockets my cocktail umbrellas. He knows I know; it’s our thing. I leave them out for him like Reese’s pieces and he followed the trail to the bosom of our family. I’m all tricksy like that.

Will: Does this outfit say, “I’m just here for the food samples” to you?

Me: Uh. I don't know if there is a proper way to dress at Sam's Club, Will.

Will: I’m not used to going out with someone as obviously “mom” as you are. I mean this in the nicest way, honey, but I didn't want to overshadow. It's your stay at the Dick place, after all.

Me: That's D-I-K like an acronym, Will, it stands for Desert Island Keepers.

Will: I saw the pictures of the men on that website, Z, and I beg to differ. Anyway, you say potato; I say whatever. What do we need to buy?

Me: It says here he needs hamburger patties, and sides. He wants to grill the burgers and impress his friends.

Will: You're letting that child control fire?

Me: He's grilled before. His eyebrows grew back and the dog forgave him. I thought maybe we could make little Pineapple Coconut smoothies. I have a blender and there is supposedly electricity going to the outlets. Unless the breaker tripped again.

Will: Still having trouble with the electrician? I could talk to him for you.

Me: The last time you talked to someone for me, you disappeared for a weekend and he ended up writing his memoirs and buying a private island. So no thank you, Will.

Will: That was before Dr. Adorable.

Me: Like I'd take a chance. I also need some assorted crackers and cheese, and maybe some fresh fruit.

Will: Who are these kids? Jeez. You’re supposed to give them a blue box of Mac and Cheese and say, “You know where the microwave is.” You know what Kelly loves? He likes those cocktail smokies with a jar of grape jelly and some chili sauce.

Me: Seriously?

Will: Are you kidding? He thinks he's all Mr. Epicure when he's with Jae and he's all like, "Oh, Jae, may I grill you a swordfish steak with wasabi crème anglaise?" But I think he's been secreting away squeeze cheese in the trunk of his car. At least, **at this Will shudders delicately** I hope that's what that smell is. I can't be on top of everything like I used to be, if you know what I mean.

Me: I hope I don't, Will. Really. Okay, back to my kids. There is going to be swimming, so I'll need waters and paper plates. Xander said he wanted to serve crudités.

Will: Don't your kids like kid things? Like hot dogs and Scooter Pies and red Twizzlers?

Me: Well. Sure they do.

Will: By the time I was fourteen I could eat anything I wanted because I paid my own way. But I needed to stay strong so I couldn't just indulge, you know? You can’t eat junk because you don't stay healthy long if you don't take care of yourself. It’s not like anyone…

Me: Aw, dang, baby. You can play a little every now and again, right?

Will: Well, when Dr. Adorable's not looking. He's all about the healthy.

Me: What if you remake that list for Xander and put everything you like on it, I'm sure he wouldn't mind, and we'll eat whatever you want tonight. You can stay and make gently supercilious fun of my teenagers. What do you say?

Will: Really?

Me: I swear William Lanier, you act as if you've never been part of a fam— Of course you can stay, sweetheart. Invite Jae and Kells. Invite Dr. Adorable and tell him, "My house, my rules." Eat what you like and I'll clean it all up afterwards. That's why I had kids in the first place; so I could get that lifetime of uncompensated servitude out of my system.

Will: Can I be one of your kids?

Me: Don’t be a dumbass baby, you already are. Now stop being silly and put on your nasty red shoes. Junk food doesn't buy itself.


jessewave said...

Sorry I was out most of the day so I'm just really reading this. This is a really great post and funny! Having read ePistols at Dawn I can really appreciate it.:)

Kris said...

"Will:... It's your stay at the Dick place, after all.

Me: That's D-I-K like an acronym, Will, it stands for Desert Island Keepers.

Will: I saw the pictures of the men on that website, Z, and I beg to differ."

Okay that made me lmao. Too, too funny. LOL.

Great post, ZAM... and Will.

"ePistols at Dawn" is on my tbb list and this has made me wanna go out and buy it straight away - If only to find out more about a guy who is a klepto for cocktail umbrellas. *g*

Tam said...

That is hilarious. What's the difference between a grill and a barbecue? I come from the land of snow and ice, that's my excuse for ignorance.

If I could see guys like that at Sam's Club or Costco I'd be there everyday. Sigh.

Poor baby. He can be one of my kids to. I only have one so have plenty of space. ;-) Great funny post.

Tracy said...

So Will's checking out the Dick, uh, I mean DIK pictures huh? Too funny!

I like that your son is all crudites and hot on the grillin. My daughter's more the blue box of mac and cheese! lol

Great post!

Lea said...


I just got home from work after a very long tiring day and this is the best laugh I've had!

I love the picture of the hottie in leathers and chains!!! nice..


Carolyn Crane said...

Hey! What's happening on the island? Where did the 14-year-old girls come from? LOL. Well, anyone who sets up a Tiki Bar and grill is a winner here!

Great post!

Sarah said...

Just saw the book at Samhain and purchased. Cannot wait to read it. Gorgeous cover!

Lauralyn said...

Thanks Wave! Will is really the BFF in my head that doesn't let me get too full of myself.

Lauralyn said...

Hi Kris, and thank you so much. So far the consensus is that Will, while not the protagonist, really steals the show. ;-)

Lauralyn said...

Hi Tam, thank you. A grill is what you use for directly cooking over heat. If you close the lid on a gas grill you are essentially baking. Add wood chips and you're smoking grilled food.

Barbecuing on the other hand requires hard wood, smoke, time, endless patience, a little masochistic streak, and a lot of love. But if you can do it right? You're going to have the whole world at your feet.

Lauralyn said...

Hi Tracy, it must be the daughters. Two food groups: Stuff with chocolate and salty stuff. Sometimes the two mix together, like in those munchy moose popcorn mixes and it's like it sort of violates all the laws of heaven and earth and nutrition all at once.

Lauralyn said...

Hi Lea, you can thank Wave for the picture. I didn't realize she read the book but she nailed Will perfectly. I think my will seems more petite to me. But Wave has a very, very good eye!

Lauralyn said...

Hi CJ, I'm afraid I had to make an emergency helicopter trip home from the DIK because unbeknownst to me, a fourteen-year-old boy with a phone is a party waiting to happen. Especially mine. I had to chaperone but I made it back to my cabana and my delicious cabana boy for last call.

Lauralyn said...

Hi Sarah. Can I just say that I've been so lucky? I've had the best cover artists! I can't tell you how much I enjoy Anne Cain's work. I LOVE her. I love her covers and find often enough that it's her covers that make me purchase other people's books as well.

Between the cover artists and the editors I've worked with it is good to be me.

Sarai said...

LOL yeah why is they always think its DICK and not DIK?
Great post and welcome to da island!!!

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