So You Wanna Be An Irregular?

And for Blind Eye Books’ third and final day here on the island, I’m giving the reins over to Astrid Amara. Hell Cop fans may remember her previous invention, Romancebot 2000. This time she’s conducting a Q & A session for aspiring Irregular agents. Let’s just listen in…

NATO IRREGULAR AFFAIRS DIVISION – RECRUIT TRAINING SESSION 101

Training Instructor: Welcome, recruits! Thank you for attending this morning’s training here on NIAD’s secluded instruction island. Well, it’s not our island. Due to budget cutbacks we were forced to sell our island. This one is rented from our gorgeous hostesses at DIK, which is fine by me. It has a better bar than the last one.

But to get back on task, hello! We’re excited to have such a talented group of individuals to help push the objectives of our agency forward into the 21st century.

By now you’ve probably caught on that NIAD agents are often referred to as “Irregulars” but that doesn’t mean all of us are odd. Some…a few are normal citizens. What makes an Irregular different from the rest is he or she knows about the multiple, other-worldly individuals and interactions that happen on this planet every single day, and work to enforce the laws that keep humans and other-worldly citizens safe.

But enough from me! I thought we should start the training session by talking with a few of our established agents who are recently in from field operations, so you recruits can get a feel for the kind of work your training will prepare you for. First, let me introduce you to Agent Keith Curry, based out of our Headquarters branch in Washington D.C.

Thanks for making it out to the training base, Agent Curry.

Agent Curry: Thanks, bro.

Training Instructor: You have specialized in culinary investigations since joining the agency. Can you tell us about what sort of situations you investigate?

Agent Curry: Gristly, bloody, and hugely unsanitary. But sometimes, also delicious.

Training Instructor: What do you enjoy most about being an Irregular?

Agent Curry: Having access to the amazing range of foods found in the different realms. Not that I eat them—that would be nuts. I just like having access. It’s a chef thing.

Training Instructor: I also see you have brought Agent Gunther Heartman with you. Agent Heartman, do you also work in culinary crimes?

Agent Heartman: No. I just came along for the 3:45pm sugar break.

Training Instructor: Any words of wisdom either of you would like to pass on to the new recruits?

Agent Curry: Take a good, hard look at everything you put in your mouth…. And by the way, can that bartender make me a sidecar the RIGHT way?

Training Instructor: [frowns] …not sure. Agent Heartman? Any words?

Agent Heartman: Try not to be judgmental. Sometimes it's hard to tell the bad guys from the good guys at first glance.A

Training Instructor: Thank you very much, Agents Curry And Heartman! Now I’d like to introduce my old friend, Agent Rake.

Agent Rake: Hmm. Actually, if we’re going to be strictly honest, I think we are all a little odd. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Did anyone catch when we’re breaking for lunch?

Training Instructor: You recently transferred to the Vancouver B.C. branch office. Tell me what kind of work you’ve been involved with there.

Agent Rake: That’s highly classified information.

Agent Heartman: Lighten up, Rake.

Agent Rake: Hey, if I was any lighter I’d have wings. Okay, okay. We had a little bit of a situation with a group of radicals. Nothing we couldn’t handle. Our job would be easy if the people trafficking in stolen magical artifacts were just in it for the money, but some people it’s a political cause. Those are the ones we have to watch out for.

Training Instructor: You’ve had so many transfers over the years. Where are you originally from?

Agent Rake: Kansas.

Agent Curry: I got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore…

Agent Rake: We’re not in Kansas. We don’t have a field office in Kansas. Come to think of it, we don’t have a field office here either.

Agent Heartman: It’s a joke, Rake. You know--like you saying you’re from Kansas.

Training Instructor: What’s your favorite thing about being an Irregular?

Agent Rake: Getting to hang out with a bunch of comedians.

Training Instructor: And last, do you have any advice for the recruits?

Agent Rake: The pay is lousy, the hours are lousy, the company is lousy. It’s you’re basic law enforcement entry position -- with a high risk of being eaten before your third year anniversary.

Training Instructor: Thank you Agent Rake! And now, recruits, I’d like to introduce Agent Silas August, who comes to us from the San Francisco branch office, recently returned from an internal investigation in Mexico City. How are you, Agent August?

Agent August: Fuck you. Where’s the bar?

Training Instructor: [nervous laughter] …heh heh. So what’s your favorite part of working for the Irregular Division?

Agent August: There is no favorite part. It’s a terrible job and hell on the social life. I haven’t been laid in seven years. I just had someone put their fist through my torso. They won’t let me use my shard pistol in California. A taco gave me the shits and I –

Training Instructor: OKAY, thank you very much. Is the gentleman beside you an agent?

Agent August: No, Deven’s a consultant for the agency. Deven? You want to say something?

Deven: …do I have to?

Agent August: Deven is shy. He’s also socially inept. But he can kill three demons with his bare hands in under a minute, and can work some freaky ass magic. And he’s mine, so don’t get any ideas you perverts.

Deven: [rolls eyes] What am I doing on this island?

Training Instructor: How did you get that scar across your throat, Deven?

Deven: Lord Knife slit my throat when I was a hostage in the Aztaw underworld. Can I go now?

Agent August: Yeah, I’ll meet you back in the cabana, baby, soon as I’m done with this bullshit. Am I done with this bullshit?

Training Instructor: …uh, sure. Thank you Agent August.

Agent August: Whatever.

Training Instructor: Oh! I can’t believe Agent Henry Falk is here! Recruits, Agent Falk has been with the division since the very beginning. Agent Falk, do you mind if I have a word with you?

Agent Falk: [takes a swing from his flask, stares blankly]

Training Instructor: How has the agency changed over the years since you first started?

Agent Falk: People seem more grossed out by using spit and urine in spells nowadays.

Training Instructor: Ew.

Agent Falk: See what I mean? No one will even touch Brownie shit anymore.

Training Instructor: Is it true you recently visited the Sidhe realm?

Agent Falk: How would you define recently? I was there when I bought my last pair of socks. That was in ’68. Is that recent?

Training Instructor: [frowning] uh… no. Its 2011 now.

Agent Falk: Woah! [takes another swig from his bottle]

Training Instructor: Well, what would you say to the recruits about… oh my god, is that blood soaking through your trenchcoat?

Agent Falk: Yeah. Woops. My bad. Sorry about the floor. Will you excuse me now? [goes to bar, orders more whiskey]

Training Instructor: [shouts after him] I think you should go to the medical ward!...well, I don’t know about you guys, but the bar by the pool is getting kind of crowded, and I’m thirsty. Let’s take a fifteen minute break and reconvene here for our next session, “Oral Suction Techniques For Removing Hydra Venom From Wounds!”

**
Got any questions for the our training instructor? No need to raise your hand. Just go ahead and ask!

(And we're giving away another Irregulars preorder today too, so that’s just one more reason to comment!)

Irregular Chat with Irregular Authors

Hi there, Nicole Kimberling here with day two of the Blind Eye Books 2011 Round Up and Jamboree.

Today Astrid Amara and Josh Lanyon join Ginn and I to talk about writing our shared world anthology, Irregulars.

Nicole: For those of you unfamiliar with shared worlds, basically all the authors write their own stories but in the same setting, and allowing their characters to cross over. So all the authors have separate novellas – and obviously each of us bring a different tone and point of view – but the agency for which the characters work remains the same.

My story, Cherries Worth Getting, follows Agent Keith Curry, a former chef assigned to investigate cases of questionable culinary practices of extra-humans, who all-too-often put people on the menu. It also stars Gunther Heartman, another Irregular agent who I straight-up stole from Ginn Hale. And that’s the beauty of shared worlds. You read a side character in another author’s story and say, “I love that guy. I think I’m going to swipe him.”

Josh: My story is called Green Glass Beads. I got the idea from a poem called “Overheard on a Salmarsh” by Harold Monro, which I first read as a little kid. It’s a dialog between a nymph (which is a kind of fairy) and a goblin. They’re debating about these “green glass beads on a silver ring” the nymph has stolen out of the moon. It’s a poem about obsession -- well, as much as it’s about anything -- and that’s pretty much the theme of my story.

Astrid: My novella No Life But This is set in Mexico City and follows Deven Shaw, a consultant for the Irregulars who is being paid to assist Agent Silas August in his investigation into the murder of his partner. Deven spent most of his life as a hostage in a hellish demon world, living as an assassin, and has to re-learn what it means to be human. Which is hard because Agent August isn’t really the helpful, patient kind of mentor one would desire. But he IS sizzling hot.

Ginn: [not here]

Nicole: Ginn???

Ginn: Sorry, I was spaced out looking at the donuts on the cover of Astrid Amara’s upcoming title, Miracle of the Bellskis, which is being released December 13th from Loose Id. I can’t wait for this sequel of Carol of the Bellskis to come out… also, I need to eat something.

Astrid: Yeah. Yeah do that. And while you’re eating, I’ll be reading The Rifter Part 10 by Ginn Hale, which is by the way, the LAST episode of this serialized novel. So if you hate waiting, and want to read all ten amazing parts one after another, now’s your chance!

Ginn: Yeah. And Josh’s Lone Star came out on the 5th, in Men Under the Mistletoe from Carina Press. Read that too.

Josh: Cowboys. They’re almost as yummy as doughnuts. Cowboys and Indi…er…jaded ballet dancers. Hey, it’s a Christmas story. Magical things happen. Anyway, it’s part of the Men Under the Mistletoe anthology, and all the stories are magically delicious.

Nicole: Man, I love holiday stories. Hey, wait! Stop plugging other companies you guys. This is a Blind Eye Books post!

Ginn: Maybe you should put donuts on the covers of more of your books.

Astrid: Yeah. Hanukkah donuts, bitches.

Josh: And gingerbread reindeer cookies with silver balls. The tiny shiny candy kind, I mean. That you buy in bake shops.

Nicole: ANYWAY…. Back to Irregulars. Ginn?

Ginn: Things Unseen and Deadly does not feature a sizzling hot agent and/or assassin, though Josh’s wicked cool Agent Rake does make an appearance. But for the most part my story is about Jason Shamir, a young unemployed musician who discovers that he has not been suffering from psychosis but was born with other-worldly vision. Which makes him a target of extra-human interest. It also allows him to see Agent Falk –

Nicole: - A dirty old bum –

Ginn: Yeah, but not to Jason, who can see who he really is. A kick ASS dirty old bum!

Astrid: Who swills poison and wears filthy clothes.

Josh: So hawt.

Ginn: And kicks ASS! Though I should say that Agent Rake also kicks ass. Come to think of it, Deven kicks ass too. And so does Gunther. Damn it! They ALL kick ass! This is a great anthology.

Josh: This is a kick ass anthology!

Nicole: Irregulars is available for print pre-order from our website and for digital pre-order from Weightlessbooks.com. Buy a print copy before January 1st, you get the digital edition free!

Thanks ladies and gents for participating. Tomorrow, we’ll let Astrid loose to have her wicked way with the characters from the anthology.

Astrid: Heh. Probe.

Nicole: Ew.

Note: We’re giving away a free digital pre-order of the Irregulars to one lucky commentor today.

Desert Island Giveaway #39

Happy New Year!
Giveaway: 1 ebook copy of Half Pass by Astrid Amara

(fyi - this book doesn't release until January 18th so you're getting it ahead of time - woohoo!)

Paul King’s inheritance is named Serenity Stables, but for him it’s far from serene. He has one plan for the crumbling facility: unload it as fast as possible. But two months on the market, and he’s still mucking stalls and dreaming of his old life back in San Francisco.

It doesn’t help that he seems to have misplaced a horse. Not just any horse—Tux, a million-dollar Warmblood who, despite lacking opposable thumbs, has an Olympic medal to its name. So does its Brazilian trainer, Estevan Souza, a man whose darkly sexual, smoldering glances almost make Paul forget his horse phobia. Intriguing as Paul finds Estevan, distractions are piling up. The boarders are picky. The arena roof is leaking. His drunken cousin is wreaking havoc. Tux’s owners are threatening to sue. On top of that, a bucket of blood points to possible murder.

Suddenly, Estevan’s glances are looking more suspicious than sinful. And, if Paul can’t come up with a plan to save Tux, he could lose not only his chance with Estevan, but his life.

As with all of the giveaways you have until midnight (Pacific) today to enter. 

Good luck!

Leave email in comment section to enter.

Desert Island Giveaway #7

Giveaway: Offered by Blind Eye Books - 2 copies of Two Tangled Tales by Astrid Amara in ebook format (Yes, 2 winners!)

In the fairy-tale world “Lord Ronan’s Shoes,” young Evander must be clever enough to divine the origin of a curse, while attempting to satisfy the very demanding Lord Ronan.

And in “Remember,” Victorian gentleman Alexander Clark is charged with finding a magician named Obscurity. Will he also find true love along the way?

As with all of the giveaways you have until midnight (Pacific) today to enter. 

Good luck!

Leave email in comment section to enter.

Blind Eye Books stumbles onto the island with e-books!

Nicole Kimberling: Hello – Nicole here, Editor at Blind Eye Books, talking with fellow author Astrid Amara.

Astrid Amara: Hello!

Nicole: Frequent visitors to our website already know this, but Blind Eye Books is partnering with Weightless Books to put out digital versions of Blind Eye Books titles. In March, Ginn Hale's Wicked Gentlemen was released.

Astrid: Woo-hoo!

Nicole: And in April my own book, Turnskin came out.

Astrid: Yee-haw!

Nicole: So you’re just going to yee-haw? No information to share?

Astrid: I work best as a support network.

Nicole: ...okay...

Astrid: But I will throw in that Turnskin was a Lamba Literary Award winner! And Wicked Gentlemen was a Lambda Literary finalist, and won the National Spectrum Award for best fantasy!

Nicole: Have you ever thought of joining the Booster Club? I think you'd make a great cheering section.

Astrid: Zing pow!

Nicole: "Zing pow!" does not qualify as a cheer. But I'll let you have it this time.

Astrid: Action cheering. The kind of cheer that punches you hard in the thyroid. So what’s coming out next?

Nicole: The next book to be released digitally through Weightless is your very own chariot-intensive fantastic epic, The Archer's Heart.

Astrid: All right! More cash!

Nicole: Is that all you care about?

Astrid: Yes! I’m only in this for the money.

Nicole: Yeah. That’s why you spent years writing this novel… for an independent publisher.

Astrid: … Okay. Maybe I also like writing hot stories where dudes fall in love with each other.

Nicole: Well, I personally think The Archer's Heart digital release is really cool because we're going to try our first experiment in serialization. We've divided the book into three sections and will be releasing them sequentially. I personally love serials. I like the idea of having the next part of a story to look forward to--especially when I know that the whole story is already finished.

I know a lot of people have been burned on serial novels because of huge waits between segments and the ultimate pain that occurs when an author simply doesn't finish writing the story for whatever reason. But fear not! The Archer's Heart is not only complete, but has a really cool ending.

Astrid: I LOVE serialized stories. There’s nothing quite like the anticipation of the next part of the series, and then when it arrives…. *sigh*. Perfect joy. Unless of course the author sucks.

Nicole: The Archer's Heart will not let people down. It too, I should point out, was a finalist for the Lambda Literary Award.

Astrid: Yeah, I’m pretty excited about the e-book version of The Archer's Heart as well. As much as I love the fact that, in print format, it is heavy enough to validate its status as “potential murder weapon” I think that the e-book version will make it more accessible to a lot of e-book-only readers. Plus, easier on the wrists!

Nicole: What, besides its convenient new format, should people know about your novel?

Astrid: Well, it’s my favorite novel that I wrote, and not just because it took freaking forever to write. I think epic fantasy allows for some really intriguing themes to be investigated, and this book has a lot of them. Plus I got to spend time developing the “bad guys” into real guys, i.e. no one is a cardboard cut-out of Evil. And I love blurring the line between hero and villain, and how a person can change direction based on what roadblocks life erects in one’s path. Heh. I used the word “erect.”

Nicole: When do you not use the word “erect”?

Astrid: I always use it. I also laugh at Lake Titicaca.

Nicole: Has anyone ever told you that you have the mind of a third grade boy?

Astrid: Is that why I liked the Transformers movie?

Nicole: I think that’s because you like robots.

Astrid: True. Although for the record, The Archer's Heart does NOT include robots. It does, however, have magical weapons, demigods, horses, archery, sex, men in gold vests, more sex, betrayal, violence, war, chariots, some sex, family conflict, moral uncertainty, and intriguing bad guys.

Nicole: I think you didn’t mention your favorite part enough.

Astrid: SEX! Actually I like character development more than anything else. And speaking of that…. What about your book that came out from Samhain Publishing, Ghost Star Night? I think that has one of my favorite blurrings of bad guy/good guy characters in any of your novels.

Nicole: Smooth transition! (LOL) But yeah, I liked Ghost Star Night too. It was a real challenge to write. Readers have probably figured out by now that you and I are friends in real life, (we are have been exchanging our stories for about fifteen years now) so I think it might be interesting for them to know a little bit about the creative exchanges that can take place between two authors.

Ghost Star Night is a great example of this. When I started writing it I had THE CRAZIEST POV EVER. Sort of first person omniscient. Really confusing to read, but in order to get the first draft of it written at all, I had to use this bizarre approach. I don't know why. Writing can be weird that way. As I recall you were supportive but firm. Supportive of the story and me as an author while definitely putting your foot down about using the crazy POV.

To me, telling one of your author friends that they've gone to far is, in my mind, the exact equivalent of telling a friend that she's not only put her shirt on inside out but also has toilet paper hanging off her shoe. Painful and awkward, but better for her in the long run.

Astrid: I guess my “toilet paper” moment would be the time I wanted to write an upbeat, cheerful holiday Chanukah story that involved an abusive ex-boyfriend, the mafia, torture, and a high-speed car chase in a mall. Thanks for stopping me on that one.

Nicole: No problem.

Astrid: So back to Ghost Star Night…

Nicole: It comes out in print this June. It costs $14 normally, but last time I checked www.amazon.com seemed to be discounted to around $9. I have no idea how long they're going to be discounting it, but if you'd like to pick up a copy of the book made of real paper you should head on over and get it while it's hot.

Astrid: Huzzah! Hazzoo!

Nicole: All this cheering is just compensation for the fact that you never made the cheerleading team, isn't it?

Astrid: I didn’t try out. I was too busy being the goth in the corner who wore a cape and a coffin around her neck, cursing the world for its inherent cruelty.

Nicole: So, really you haven't changed much at all since then, eh? *g*

Astrid: I’ve changed. Love of ponies makes you a happier person in general. You can’t be an angry-at-the-world-goth when you ride around on cute ponies all day.

Nicole: Don't tell me when I can't be angry! You're not the boss of me! As a side note: I was wondering how long an interview with you could continue without at least one mention of ponies.

Astrid: Ponies! *squeeeeeee*

Nicole: Can we try and focus here? We’re supposed to be talking about Blind Eye Books titles and the topic of speculative fiction and romance.

Astrid: Fine. I’ll focus. What do you like about speculative fiction?

Nicole: I’m most intrigued by the opportunity to look at common conflict points from an angle that is rarely (or never) seen in a person's real life and in that way bring a sort of freshness to the subject.

Astrid: Uh-huh. Like the time I had this dude in my story and he totally wanted to get down with this other dude? But he couldn't because he'd get in trouble?

Nicole: No. Not like that at all. That's a real conflict that people deal with every day. I mean if one of them is a psychic warrior and he can't get down with this other dude because the power imbalance between them is so great that he'll make the other dude's head explode. Psychically.

Astrid: Yeah, that’s cool an all. Exploding heads. But I’m more about exploding passion, and guy’s whose #$$%%$#...

Nicole: FOCUS!

Astrid: Fine.

Nicole: Do you have anything truly fresh or relevant to say about this dude-getting-down-with-other-dude topic?

Astrid: Uh…. I like it??

Nicole: *sigh.* I really wanted to bring substantive discussion about the valuable contributions of speculative fiction to the literary world. Or perhaps plumb the depths of how the exquisite creative-intellectual interaction between fellow writers that can result in tremendous frisson and excellence.

Astrid: And you thought you could do that with me here? Ti-ti-ca-ca.

Nicole: You’re right. What was I thinking? Blue-footed Booby.

Astrid: Heh.

Nicole: Heh.

Astrid: On a clear day I can see Uranus.

Nicole: And… I think we’re done here.

Interview with Astrid Amara

For my DIK days I thought it would be a cool idea to ask Astrid, Nicole and Ginn if they'd like to share stuff. I am a serious fan girl of their books and was super pleased when they agreed. Tomorrow we have Nicole Kimberling and on Wednesday it's Ginn Hale's turn.
So, enjoy!

Hello from the Unusual Mind of Astrid Amara.


Dear Desert Island Keepers Readers,
The wonderful Sarah requested that I come play, and invite along a couple friends.
Being an author who sucks at self-promotion and usually spends way too much time making fun of her own cover art (see adorable Drowning Tetanus boy on my current cover), I tend to stay away from the internet’s public eye.
I’m generally incapable of being serious about anything, which includes blogging, promoting, bloating, or promogging. I mean, let’s face it: “serious” scifi-porn does not make. I like my stories to take place in wild settings. I like there to be romance. And angst. I especially like the combination of abs with angst.
So, inexperienced interviewee/blogger that I am, I was naturally worried when faced with the prospect of three days worth of entertaining you fine ladies. I said to myself, “Self, no one wants to hear about your boring life as a civil servant, the fact that you look like all the “before” pictures on What Not to Wear, and you have a deep-rooted phobia of butterflies that makes you cry when you see them.”
So what do readers want?
Story. Sex. Humor. And maybe some pictures of humorous sex? No, wait, scratch that.

So I invited along the two funniest people I know, who happen to also be great amazing authors and whose stuff I love to read. The venerable Nicole Kimberling [http://www.nicolekimberling.com] and the inestimable Ginn Hale [http://www.ginnhale.com], both of whom are better at this whole writing-about-writing business.
So I’m thinking we play this way: every day one of us will share with you what we’ve got out there for your reading pleasure.
And we’ll answer a few questions generated by the “Interview RomanceBot 2000” (introductions coming at the bottom of the post).
Hope you enjoy. And feel free to write in with any questions, snarky feedback, or “virtual RomanceBot viruses.”
Love,
Astrid.
http://www.astridamara.com/
---
INTRODUCTING THE INTERVIEW ROMANCEBOT 2000
**Access Authorized**
Welcome to the exciting world of Auto-Content Interviews! In this day and age, asking questions – who has time for it? And why bother? Now that RomanceBot 2000 knows what it is in your heart, you can be sure to get the answers you need without all that pesky questioning!
**DEMO RUN, V.1.0, AMARA, ASTRID – AUTHOR.**

ROMANCEBOT2000: WHAT-IS-YOUR-NAME.
ASTRID: Astrid.
ROMANCEBOT2000: ASTURD
ASTRID: Astrid. Astrid.
ROMANCEBOT2000: WHAT-KIND-OF-BOOKS-DO-YOU-WRITE.
ASTRID: I write predominantly science fiction / fantasy gay romance. I occasionally dabble in contemporary humor. I seem to send characters to prison a lot.
ROMANCEBOT2000: WHAT-ARE-YOUR-BOOK-TITLES.
ASTRID: I have one trade paperback fantasy called The Archer’s Heart [http://www.blindeyebooks.com/archer.html], which is a finalist for the 2009 Lambda Literary award and is published by Blind Eye Books [http://www.blindeyebooks.com/archer.html]. It’s a sweeping epic that—
ROMANCEBOT2000: IS-THERE-INTERCOURSE-IN-THIS-BOOK.
ASTRID: Uh, yes. Yes there is. But the story is about a prince, who falls in love with a revolutionary in a tropical nation where his brother is fighting for the crown, and—
ROMANCEBOT2000: HOW-MUCH-INTERCOURSE.
ASTRID: Oh, lots of intercourse. Verbal, anal, you name it. Jeez. Getting kind of personal right out of the starting gate, aren’t—
ROMANCEBOT2000: TELL-ME-MORE-ABOUT-THIS-INTERCOURSE.
ASTRID: Well, I like to have strong story elements, but if you must focus on that, then—
ROMANCEBOT2000: WHAT-PAGES-ARE-THE-INTERCOURSE-ON.
ASTRID: I’m not telling you. You have to read the whole book.
ROMANCEBOT2000: THE-BOOK-IS-OVER-600-PAGES-I-CANNOT-READ-THAT-MUCH-TELL-ME-WHERE.
ASTRID: Well, if the size of the book is intimidating you, then maybe you’d like to try one of my novellas or e-books? I have five titles available through Loose Id [http://www.loose-id.com/], including a new title this week, The Valde: Water. [http://www.loose-id.com/prod-The_Valde__Water-932.aspx]. This is a supernatural thriller where a man must come to terms with the fact that his dead lover has come back to life, and doesn’t remember him. Oh, and is also a now murdering people with his bare hands.
ROMANCEBOT2000: 0101010011 NOT-INTERESTED.
ASTRID: Oh! Well, okay, want tense, imprisoned love and undercover torturer angst porn? Try Intimate Traitors! [http://www.astridamara.com/it.html] Or want futuristic-genocide-victim meets unnaturally-virile-doctor-in-space porn? Try A Policy of Lies! [http://www.astridamara.com/pl.html] or want—
ROMANCEBOT2000: DO-THESE-BOOKS-HAVE-INTERCOURSE.
ASTRID: Yes. They are erotica.
ROMANCEBOT2000: DO-YOU-HAVE-ANY-ROBOT-STORIES.
ASTRID: Well, one of my characters is a cyborg, does that count?
ROMANCEBOT200: IS-THAT-HOLIDAY-OUTING.
ASTRID: No. Holiday Outing [http://www.astridamara.com/ho.html] is my contemporary humor romance piece, about a family trapped inside the house over Chanukah, and a man who must come to terms with the crush he has on the boy who humiliated him in high school and who---
ROMANCEBOT2000: JEWISH-ROBOT.
ASTRID: No. Not Jewish robot. He’s a man.
ROMANCEBOOT200: KILL-THE-MAN.
ASTRID: Pardon me?
ROMANCEBOT2000: Nothing.
ASTRID: What? What do you mean?
ROMANCEBOT2000: MOVING-ON.
ASTRID: Are you still the beta version of this hardware, or—
ROMANCEBOT2000: TELL-ME-ABOUT-HELLISH-COPS.
ASTRID: It’s just Hell Cop.
ROMANCEBOT2000: HELL-COP.
ASTRID: Hell Cop [http://www.astridamara.com/hc.html] is an anthology of novellas written by myself, Nicole Kimberling, and Ginn Hale. It was really fun to write three interconnected stories all set in the same fantastical setting, an urban city called Parmas where sorcerers and demons live among human beings, and the Hell Cops must protect them all. The sequel to Hell Cop is being written now and will be available this summer.
ROMANCEBOT2000: IS-THERE-INTERCOURSE.
ASTRID: *sigh* Yes.
ROMANCEBOT2000: WITH-DEMONS.
ASTRID: Nicole’s story has a half-demon, half-human man who falls in love with a hell cop.
ROMANCEBOT2000: ARE-THERE-ROBOTS.
ASTRID: Look, this interview is supposed to be about my publications, and what these novels are ABOUT. I want to tell you about their plots, about their weird settings and the complex emotional issues that my characters must deal with before they find true love, and…. Oh never mind. The sex starts on Page 164 of The Archer’s Heart.
ROMANCEBOT2000: THANK-YOU.

**PROGRAM TERMINATED.**
___
Surprise! Prize!
What publication, apart from Hell Cop and Hell Cop 2, have we all three (Astrid Amara, Nicole Kimberling, and Ginn Hale) collaborated on? The first TWO to e-mail me with the correct answer will get a free copy of Hell Cop!

CLIFF NOTES VERSION OF ASTRID AMARA’S BLURBS
Feeling like learning more about my books but not feeling interested enough to read the whole blurb? I’ve made you a handy guide to the *real* content below!

1. The Archer’s Heart – epic fantasy of warriors fighting battles, claiming thrones, secretly having sex with each other, and starting a cultural revolution. Think chutney, chariots, jungle romance, and supernatural explosions.

2. Intimate Traitors – future dystopic prison romance where the prisoner has to convince the torturer to let him go by using his special (lucky?) charms

3. A Policy of Lies – genocide-surviving mystery-solving reporter in space! Too bad he’s falling in love with the bad guy…

4. Hell Cop, “Next of Kin” – 30 year old virgin man on fire finally gets laid. And solves a crime while he’s at it.

5. Holiday Outing – The only thing worse than bunking with the guy who outed and humiliated you in high school, is trying to have sex with him in your mother’s house.

6. The Valde: Water – Supernatural chase scene, running only temporarily stopped by hot hot sex.
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ASTRID AMARA’S SIX BOOKS FOR A DESERT ISLAND
1.The Old Farmer’s Almanac – I’m a nerd. I like facts. And if I memorized it all, I’d be smarty-poo!
2.The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell – Because nothing says “relax” like a book about tortured priests in space.
3.The Jeeves Omnibus by PG Wodehouse – There isn’t a page in this book that I don’t laugh out loud at. It’s the funniest book ever. Plus I like to imagine that Jeeves and Wooster had a *wink wink* *toggle toggle * happening behind the scenes, if you know what I mean.
4.Any old Russian Text Book – I know from experience that these pages make the best toilet paper in a pinch.
5.The Complete Stories of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle – I love Holmes, and I confess, there are a few mysteries I still haven’t read. Now’s my chance. Plus I like to imagine that Watson and Holmes had a *squint squint* *winkle winkle* happening behind the scenes if you know what I mean.
6.Where There is No Doctor by David Werner et al– okay, most of you won’t know this book. But seriously? It kills me. Its like the most entertaining and useful book ever. I got my copy when serving as a Peace Corps Volunteer and have often wanted to tattoo the artwork on my body. See, all the pictures of diseases were drawn by this doctor, and they’re TERRIBLE. But the information in it is REALLY HANDY.

http://astridamara.com/