Tuesday, February 15, 2011

further warnings about that lovey dovey crap

We You poor misguided fools who read romance and sigh with happiness every time a unicorn poos out another rainbow-coloured twu wuv story.

You're all living in a butterfly-farting fantasy world where Valentine's Day provides the means and opportunity for so-called lovers to try and maim or kill one another.

And as for all those heroes and heroines that you love reading about??

Yeah, so not going to last.

Kris' Top 5 Romance Couples That Would Never, Ever Make It And You Know It (in no particular order):

1.  Romeo and Juliet wouldn't have lasted.  Why?  Child marriage always ends up in a trailer park with one of the spouses running off and leaving the other with the kids.  It's like a law or something.  Case closed.

2.  Adam and Eve wouldn't have lasted.  Why?  As the Mumma said, if Adam had a go at Eve for eating an apple, God only knows what he would have done if she'd tried chocolate.  Case closed.

3.  Heathcliffe and Catherine wouldn't have lasted.  Why?  Let's face it, they were both psychos and their relationship would have ended up with one or both of them in a mental institution or in prison for murder.  Case closed.

4.  Darcy and Elizabeth wouldn't have lasted.  Why?  Oh, c'mon.  The pride and the prejudice thing??  Hello.  Case closed.

5.  Rhett and Scarlet wouldn't have last-... hang on a minute... they didn't.  Case closed.

That's me.  Which romance couple do you think wouldn't have lasted?


KT Grant said...

Catherine and Heathcliffe would have stayed married to different people and because they were so psycho for one another, have crazy nail scratching kinky sex with one another on the side.

I was so rooting for Romeo and Juliet to run away and get married and have 6 kids. But then Juliet may have died in childbirth.

This is a fun post KSC ;)

KT Grant said...

Speaking of Eve, I really don't think she and Roarke from the In Death series would have lasted. They're polar opposites, so much so. But still it's nice to see them together :)

Tam said...

Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. You just know he's going to throw out the whore thing every time they have a fight and eventually she'll sleep with someone just to prove him right.

Juni said...

Didn't think I could love you any more Kris but after reading this I'm almost on the next flight to Oz!

For some strange & unimaginable reason you didn't mention Edward & Bella - favourites of yours, I know. Can't imagine them lasting - they would be that couple we've all seen sitting at a restaurant table, looking miserable & not talking for the entire meal.

Lesley D said...

LOL I love the Cathy and Heathcliffe one!

I don't think Ophelia and Hamlet would have stayed together. They're both way too unstable and would have driven each other insane.

Chris said...

*blinks sleepily*

Chris said...


Tracy said...

Uh, a more recent couple - Edward and Bella - not going to last. You just know he's going to chop her head of and burn the pieces because she's vapid.

And you know damned well that Antony and Cleopatra wouldn't have made it. I mean anyone who would commit suicide over a woman or a battle is just weak. She would have run right over him.

Great post - and so happy too! :)

Kris said...

KBC: *gasp* I can't believe you said that about Eve and Roarke! It's like I don't know you at all! The horrors!

Oh, and if C and H were getting it on like that I reckon one of their spouses would have followed them and shot them in the act.

Tam: I'm with you on this one. The whore thing would always be an issue between them.

Juni: Awww, you say the sweetest things to me. *smooshies*

I can't believe I forgot one of my most favouritenot-est couples of recent times!

"... they would be that couple we've all seen sitting at a restaurant table, looking miserable & not talking for the entire meal."

Probably because she'd just bitched him out beforehand because she missed the taste of garlic bread. :p

Kris said...

Lesley: Ophelia and Hamlet! LOL. You're so right.

Have you seen this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnvgq8STMGM It's hilarious.

Chris: Erm...

Tracy: I'm just a ray of friggin' sunshine at the moment.

You're welcome.

They're both vapid. I reckon their daughter, Roseywhatzit, would have convinced Jakeabs and the rest of the pack to kill them dead.

Mumma suggested A and C as well. Something to do with weresnakes...

Chris said...

Eve and Roarke would SOOOOO stay together. They were different at one level, but not so different at all on another...

Kris said...

Chris: *nods* Both have pasts that have moulded them into the people they are. They understand and love each other faults and all.

KBC is so wrong on this one.

Tracy said...

Weresnakes, huh? Something to think about. ;) Good call mumma.

orannia said...

LOL! Brilliant!

I can't think of any couples now. People have already mentioned Edward and Bella - so wouldn't last IMHO!

* Johnny Castle and Baby (from Dirty Dancing). Hmmm. I could just see Baby spending all her time working, although...with Johnny Castle at home would you want to?

* Sir Percy Blakeney and Marguerite St Just (from The Scarlet Pimpernel). I loved the movie with Anthony Andrews - but I kept hoping Percy would realize Marguerite was shallow and find someone else (namely me :)

Kris said...

Tracy: No romance heroine can resist a shifter. Even one with scales.



Orannia: I am so with you on Sir P and M! I hated her. The stupid traitorous cow! She would have broken Sir P's heart. Bitch.

KT Grant said...

Kris: I know! But come on, Roarke has a secret button fetish. That's just not healthy! :P

Kris said...

KBC: Well, at least he is a one button guy. That's a good thing. ;P

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