Breaking News: Three suspects sought in island outrage

DIK ISLAND - In a turn of events that shocked residents of this sleepy island, three individuals landed on the shore in what appeared to be an eighteenth century style schooner and left with a number of items and several male inhabitants.

Three suspects are wanted for questioning include “Crazy Little CJ,” who appears to be a young girl but has reputedly been trapped in a painting for several decades, notorious novelist L. B. Gregg, and actress turned fashion designer Jaclyn Smith of Charlie’s Angels fame.

Items reported missing include an ice machine, several of the female inhabitants' chocolate and liquor supplies, and an inflatable zodiac raft.

It was unclear if the male residents left willingly or unwillingly, but law enforcement officials will not rule out foul play.

Listed among the missing are Ethan McCabe, Richard Armitage, Bowen MacRieve, Royce Westmoreland, Conrad Wroth, Logan a.k.a. Wolverine, Fox Mulder and King Leonidas. An individual known as Zsadist is also presumed missing, but that has not been verified.

The authenticity of a statement signed by MacRieve, Westmoreland, Wroth, Wolverine, Mulder and Leonidas stating that they are "heartbroken" due to rejection from by a woman they called Ana has not be confirmed by authorities.

Likewise, the authenticity of a statement signed by McCabe and Armitage claiming to be on a worldwide search for one ‘Carolyn Jean’ has not been verified.

The individual referred to as ‘Zsadist’ may also be among the missing, however, tearful sources claim that they can’t be sure he’s gone until nightfall, which led to extensive speculation among bystanders as to why a man would hide during the day.


Island inhabitants seemed dazed and were reluctant to give full names. They were also reluctant to provide information about about the day-to-day activities of the island, which outside observers consider mysterious. Male inhabitants appear to hold jobs, many of them in law enforcement, cattle wrangling and as international business tycoons, yet there is no evidence of commerce or ranching, and no law enforcement agency in operation there at this time.

Female inhabitants appear studious and even bookish, but reports from passing boats have led to speculation about unsavory highjinks. Casual observers point to the size of many of the men as evidence that steroid use is rampant there. A number of large dogs were observed from circling helicopters.

Said one resident: “this island isn’t sleepy either. You just came during the day; that’s the problem.”

Citizens are urged to contact authorities with any information.