Monday, February 14, 2011

kris' valentine's day warning


Me: I got stuck with Valentine's Day last year!  I don't see why I have to do it again.  *poutmope*

Tracy: *points at schedule*

Me: Fine!  *mutterdildoheadofaschedulemutter*  But I'm not talking about lovey dovey stuff and someone needs to get rid of all this crap.  *kicks teddy out of the way*

Yeah, it's me.  Back again.  Just in time for Valentine's Day.  Again.  Oh.  Joy.

Yeah, I'm still single.  No, that's got nothing to do with my opinion about the day and the fact that I've yet to find my soul mate.

Thanks for reminding me though.

Fuckers.

Actually, I think all those peeps out there who are billing and cooing and leaving droppings all over the place need to seriously reconsider what they're about to get themselves into.

I mean, think about it...

There's a stalker with a crossbow.

Rich food you feel obliged to eat even when you know it's going to screw with your diet and give you zits... or the shits.  One of the two.

Chocolates hiding things like peanuts which makes you glad you remembered to squeeze that epi-pen in your ridiculously small bag.

Sprained ankles and blisters from the new high heel shoes you're never going to wear again.

Enough cutesy stuffed toys for you to feature in your own show of The Hoarders.

Hayfever from the stupid, damned flowers.

Plus, who the hell can afford to spend all that $$ in this economy?  Let alone want to waste it on someone you may not be with next year or you only tolerate most of the time anyways because, hello, you don't want to be alone for Valentine's now, do you.

Oh, and also...

Ever noticed how Valentine's Day has the same initials as Venereal Disease??

Yeah.

Warning:  Valentine's Day may cause severe ill health or death.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Masochists.

28 comments:

SusiSunshine {The Geeky Bookworm} said...

LMAO awesome! Just snorted coffee onto the desk. Thank god I'm alone in the office today.

Lindsay Kiernan said...

I loved your post today and decided to feature it on my blog today!

Trust me when I say that even some of us married women are sick of this holiday too! Happy UnValentine's Day Kris!

Lindsay Kiernan Blog

Jenre said...

*pets Kris*

There, there my dear. It'll all be over tomorrow and all that will be left are the sad looking bunches of supermarket flowers that will be sold off cheaply.

Tam said...

You're such a romantic. Brings a tear to my eye. :-)

Patti (Book Addict) said...

And for the peeps with kids - the school valentines. Oh my God - the drama of the school valentines.

Sweet Vernal Zephyr said...

You sure did get the masochist part right. BUT I didn't realize you knew me so well. *wink*

Natasha said...

Yeah this day used to give me the sh1ts as well. I mean my parents told me they were getting divorced on Valentines day.... I was 8. Classy guys... I mean really put me off love and marriage why don't you.
I know I did take the plunge but I figured he was safe.... I mean I met him on Australia Day so he had to be a bit of ok right..... Yeah he is, the stupid dag.
I like VD day this year as I got jewellery, although I did ask him if he was feeling guilty or having an affair or both. He might talk to me again sometime this week I'm sure of it.
I just realized that my nana was also a VD, Vera Daisy but she lived her life like the other VD... Gotta love a slut of a granny don't you LOL!

Tish

Amara Devonte said...

LMAO! Nice.

Chris said...

Aww, you say the sweetest things!

Chris said...

*stupidbloggerwhycantisigninandcommentatthesametimedammit*

Tracy said...

LOL I do the schedule in order - if you get VDay again - not my fault. (Although now that I know you've had VD two years in a row I'll make a point to skip you next year.lol)

You're hilarious and I lubs you - I don't need a special day to tell ya that. :)

Mandi said...

There's a stalker with a crossbow...snort.

LesleyW said...

Venereal Disease - ROFL.

I feel better about Valentine's Day now. :)

Kris said...

Susi: What no mimosas this morning for you?? I'm so disappointed, although coffee probably hurts less to snort. Down. To snort down. Up would be icky.

And I think I'll shut up now.


Lindsay: Happy UnValentine's Day to you too, my love-in-hate! ;P


Jen: Which reminds me I could probably pick up some cheap flowers today and put them somewhere where the boys won't get to them and eat them.


Tam: I know, I know. I'm such a sentimentalist. Or perhaps just mental.

Kris said...

Patti: The thought alone is enough to give me nightmares. We don't do that here in Oz.

Thank fuck.


Miranda: Well, it was fairly obvious... :P


Tish: You and Matt met on Oz Day? No wonder you guys worked out. You're still going to be on his shit list though. *tsk, tsk*


Amara: ;)

Kris said...

Chris: I'm touched alright. I mean touchING. Silly me.


Tracy: "You're hilarious and I lubs you - I don't need a special day to tell ya that. :)"

It's going to take more than that to make up for having to do this two damned years in a row. :(


Mandi: I speak only the truth.


Lesley: I bet there's always a spike in VD cases after this day. You should definitely feel better. That alone is reason not to celebrate.

Chris said...

If you figure out a safe spot for flowers, do share. Flowers inspire Chaos to amazing acts of feline acrobatics...

Chris said...

LOL at today's comic at the Oatmeal: "Less complaining. More sexy rumpus."

Tracy said...

Ok, sorry, sorry, sorry! I'll think of something wonderful to make it up to you.

Kris said...

Chris: My boys aren't big into climbing and Boris is too big to be able to jump so I'm relatively safe.

""Less complaining. More sexy rumpus.""

If only...


Tracy: You'd better. *hmpf*

Bridget Locke said...

Kris, I seriously *heart* you. I HATE Valentine's Day and this post sums up why. lol. *hugs*

Kris said...

Bridget: We will do the bah humbug thing together. (((HUGS)))

orannia said...

I love that photo!

I hate Valentine's Day. Yes, it has to do with the fact that I've yet to find my soul mate (I think he's hiding from me). Me, bitter? Well...not :) Oh, and I find it too commercial!

Kris said...

Orannia: "I think he's hiding from me"

Mine too. Or she is. Whatever. :)

Artemis said...

Oh hell....Kris you're too damn funny! For some reason I've always called it VD Day - now I know why.

Kris said...

Artemis: And there you go cos VD Day doesn't really make sense because it would make it Valentine's Day Day. If it stood for venereal disease though?? Yeah. Case closed.

Pamk said...

roflmao I am late reading this cause I came down with a very nasty stomach virus on valentine's day night. since I almost recovered I finally got to read my blog reader. this one is way too funny. Loved it.

Kris said...

Pamk: You know that had you read this post beforehand you would never have eaten any of that suspect food on Valentine's Day, right? *tsk, tsk* ;p

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