Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Crabby Abby

Guess what's wrong with Lisabea? Here are the clues...

  • She ate a huge slice of birthday cake (butter cream frosting, not that nasty ass fake whip cream crap) with a spoon and her fingers. Sans plate. Because sometimes when delivering cake to mouth, you need to skip the whole neatness counts thing.
  • Her pants are tight.
  • She needs to put make-up on that zit on her chin, but you know what? SCREW YOU PIMPLE.
  • The stupid Olympics keep making her cry. Stupid Olympics. Stupid ice dancers. Stupid.
  • She's snarling at the dog.
  • G is breathing too loud.
  • She almost called the radio station to ask why the hell Alcohol and Ass is even allowed to be on the radio. There ought to be a law.
  • She flipped off a student driver. Get out of the way, novice. It's just snow.
  • She burst into tears over a kind email.
  • She burst into tears over an unkind email.
  • That last slice of cake looks so good. It's just sitting there. It's the only piece left. It's small. She deserves that cake. She paid for it. Everyone else had two slices. And, besides, no one else wants it now. It's two days old. It's taking up so much room in the refrigerator. Go on. It's cake. Cake with thick, rich, delicious butter cream frosting. It's a win/win. EAT IT. EAT THE CAKE.

So Good Morning. I'm late with my post because of life.

I was thinking this morning about those tribes that isolate women during their periods. You know, when the women are considered unclean. And how they totally missed the fricken' boat on that one.

There should be an isolation hut (i.e. No Boyz Allowed) during that other, more important, more dangerous time of the month. Women could stomp into the hut after some idiot pisses them off (or makes them cry). We could have fruity beverages, girlfriends who lie to us about the noticeability of our pimples and puffiness, and lots of cake and/or chocolate. And wireless. No Nickelback or whoever the hell sings Alcohol and Ass. We could play guitar hero.

Plus books. Soft pillows. An elliptical to hang our housecoats. What else? A blender? Yes. A blender. And ice.

I suggest we have a PMS hut on the island.

I think I'd like to live in it right now.



Kati said...

Can't. Breathe. Laughing too hard!

Aww, LBea! I'm sorry you're PMS-ing, darlin'.

I about ripped Scott's head off one night for telling me that perhaps I should get my thyroid checked (implying I was moody, since I wasn't having my period). I was all, "I'm sorry, did you get a fucking Doctor's degree while I wasn't looking? No? Then shut the hell up!" Heh. Poor man. Usually he can take one look at me and just know that it would be wise to give me a wide berth.

Eat that last piece of cake, sweetheart. And tell G to get a Breathe Right strip.

lisabea said...


Thanks Kati. And WHY do men think commenting is going to go unpunished?

Kati said...

It's like when they tell us to "Calm down" when we're already pissed. Uh, that's like throwing gasoline on an inferno, dumb ass!

Tracy said...

lmao! omg Lis that is classic. I love it. But on the flip side...you poor thing! I completely understand though. When I have PMS sometimes the sound of my husband swallowing a soda from a can will make me nuts. lol It's a special talent.

Eat the cake honey. Wait...I hope you enjoyed the cake. lol

Who's this person who sent the unkind email? I'm gonna kick their ass.

You want a pms hut on the island? You got it. Done.

lisabea said...

I swear to God if TPig stops by to tell me 'The Cake is a Lie' I'm going to stab him with my fork.

PMS Hut should have a/c. And a soda machine.

Cecile Smutty Hussy said...

OH gosh Lisabea... I am soo sorry.
I was Amening you sister the whole time! You have brighten my day and made me feel like a warrior woman!

And you know what... The hut needs to unlimited supply of cake! That does not count for calories or points or nothing!

And I am going to gang in with Tracy and go kick that person a$$ who sent you the unkind email! Don't mess with a fellow sister!

Here is having a better day hon!

Jenre said...

Forget the cake LB - EAT CHOCOLATE.

There will be lots of chocolate in my PMS hut. And the BBC Colin Firth Pride and Prejudice will be on a constant loop on the TV. And a huge bubble bath made with 'Lush' bath bubbles.

ElaineG said...

I am laughing so hard, I can't seem to focus......
1. You should ALWAYS eat the cake.
2. Men should just keep their assinine comments to themselves for approximately 5 days a month. In my house it's actually 10, but whatever works for YOU lol! Cause if I hear ONE more time "why are you being so bitchy?" I may become a single parent *snort*
3. Finally,why does all the crap stuff have to happen within a 24-48 hour time frame for us? I SO feel for you and I just wanna say you are NOT alone, hang in, and if you add mass quantities of caffeine to the cake, all WILL be better before you know it:)

Tracy said...

A/c and a soda machine - got it. And loads of chocolate and movies on continuous loop. Check.

Smokinhotbooks said...

OMG (I'm lol-ing so loud I'm snorting) you did not flip off a student driver!!!!!!

*squints at Xena* Yep I do look like that once a month.

Bev(QB) said...

As I was reading through your list, I started to suspect that the payoff/punch line was gonna be "I'm Freakin' PREGGERS!!"

For me, the weepies were a prego sympton (the bitchiness came naturally but was heightened during PMS). Then later menopause, which, to my hubby's great relief cuz his friends told him horror stories about their wives turning into maniacal uber-bitches, I would start bawling inconsolably over every little thing. Wrong date on a report I was running? WAAAAAAAH. The cure was Peanut M&Ms. Seriously.

Kati said...

I think that the PMS hut should also have a very comfy bed and heating pads galore. As well as Advil/Midol/drug of choice to cramps. And a sympathetic person who will provide lower back rubs. Could be one of the heroes. But only one smart enough not to ask what our problem is.

Hmm. We should think about coming up with a staff for the PMS hut.


Kris said...

Forget the blender. We should just have one of those slushie machines with lemon and lime margaritas.

@Kati - "We should think about coming up with a staff for the PMS hut."

As long as they look pretty in island boy outfits and are gagged, I'd be all for it.

lisabea said...

BevQB's comment nearly had me reaching for the Lemon Lime Margie Slushie. I think my mouth could fir around the nozzle of one of those.

Oh. My. God. NO.

But the slushie machine is a must.

Thanks everyone. Feeling better today.

lisabea said...


not fir.

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