Thursday, February 12, 2009

Eric Northman's secret diary day 238

Day 238

The nights begin to grow shorter. Nearly eight months now since the mysterious force landed us on this godforsaken island.

Last night the Wroth brothers and I were sitting on the beach complaining bitterly about it all when that madman Rhev came limping up telling us he had something to show us.

We told him to F**K OFF, assuming he had made another one of his “dioramas.” Rhev’s twisted sense of humor troubles even me; the man fails to understand: creating such gory masterpieces is not impressive and not something that is going to induce the Wroths and I to want to include him in our fun.

Last night, though, Rhev wouldn’t give up, insisting that this was something we would indeed want to see, so finally we consented. Rhev actually led us (Me and the Wroths, plus Bones and CAB were there by then) to something of value—a system of underground caverns—dark, dank, gloomy and teeming with rodents, spiders and venomous snakes.

Seeing the cave, we were all thinking the same thing: finally, poker games without interference. Fun, with nobody to stop us. A place of our own to wait out the days—at least the days when our women are otherwise occupied.

Because naturally, nothing compares to spending time with Carolyn Jean. She is a true goddess, so brilliant and beautiful and delightful. I can hardly believe I ever loved that backwater bimbo when such a creature as Carolyn Jean roamed the earth.

At any rate, Conrad and I warned Rhev not to tell the other BDBs the location of the caves, and especially not Phury and Butch. Rhev protested and Bones was immediately on him, fangs bared, and then we all got into it. Snarling bloody mess. Why is it always such a deep satisfaction to me to break CAB’s perfect nose? Though he took a chunk of my thigh, and I gave Conrad a good mauling. half his intentines were hanging out. Great fun. None of the more priggish members of our island society to stop us.

By the end it was decided that Rhev could not tell any of the BDBs; one can only imagine how the acoustics of the cave would augment their insufferable renditions of Snoop Dogg and Vanilla Ice hits. Sully of course would be invited. Michael would know whether we told him or not, but CAB was warned not to breathe a word of this to Hugh.

Rhev wanted to invite his great buddy Dain and we heartily agreed, as Dain knows how to have fun as well as any non-human.

Then, the blood pact was made. If any one of us told Fox Mulder, Captain Kirk, Brendan Kel-Paten or Batman the whereabouts of the cave, they would allow themselves to be staked to meet the sun.


Jenre said...

Lol! You are so funny CJ. My I can just picture them all have a good old fist-fight (and more) to settle their differences in a manly fashion.


Carolyn Crane said...

Hey jenre!!
Thanks!! I was feeling a little silly today.

Tracy said...

ROFLMAO!! omg CJ that was brilliant! I needed a good laugh this morning.

CAB's poor nose! I'm sure it will heal beautifully though. :)

KT Grant said...

Ahem. Rehv is in my hut. he would be so tired from all the sexin we are doing to even move.

Renee said...

You. Rock. :-D

sula said...

This was wayyyyy too entertaining to be legal. Where do you come up with your ideas? lolol. Too funny! *g*

Bridget Locke said...

CJ-You crack me up, but why is my man Bones hanging with Eric? He's in MY hut rubbing my sore feet. :)

Anonymous said...




OMG this was GLORIOUSLY funny CJ.
I read it 3 times in a row. So good.

Sarai said...

OMG I heart you. Thanks! I needed that laugh you goddess you LOL

Carolyn Crane said...

Oh, you guys are so sweet! I love being part of DIK island!

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