And for Blind Eye Books’ third and final day here on the island, I’m giving the reins over to Astrid Amara. Hell Cop fans may remember her previous invention, Romancebot 2000. This time she’s conducting a Q & A session for aspiring Irregular agents. Let’s just listen in…
NATO IRREGULAR AFFAIRS DIVISION – RECRUIT TRAINING SESSION 101
Training Instructor: Welcome, recruits! Thank you for attending this morning’s training here on NIAD’s secluded instruction island. Well, it’s not our island. Due to budget cutbacks we were forced to sell our island. This one is rented from our gorgeous hostesses at DIK, which is fine by me. It has a better bar than the last one.
But to get back on task, hello! We’re excited to have such a talented group of individuals to help push the objectives of our agency forward into the 21st century.
But enough from me! I thought we should start the training session by talking with a few of our established agents who are recently in from field operations, so you recruits can get a feel for the kind of work your training will prepare you for. First, let me introduce you to Agent Keith Curry, based out of our Headquarters branch in Washington D.C.
Thanks for making it out to the training base, Agent Curry.
Agent Curry: Thanks, bro.
Training Instructor: You have specialized in culinary investigations since joining the agency. Can you tell us about what sort of situations you investigate?
Agent Curry: Gristly, bloody, and hugely unsanitary. But sometimes, also delicious.
Training Instructor: What do you enjoy most about being an Irregular?
Agent Curry: Having access to the amazing range of foods found in the different realms. Not that I eat them—that would be nuts. I just like having access. It’s a chef thing.
Training Instructor: I also see you have brought Agent Gunther Heartman with you. Agent Heartman, do you also work in culinary crimes?
Agent Heartman: No. I just came along for the 3:45pm sugar break.
Training Instructor: Any words of wisdom either of you would like to pass on to the new recruits?
Agent Curry: Take a good, hard look at everything you put in your mouth…. And by the way, can that bartender make me a sidecar the RIGHT way?
Training Instructor: [frowns] …not sure. Agent Heartman? Any words?
Agent Heartman: Try not to be judgmental. Sometimes it's hard to tell the bad guys from the good guys at first glance.A
Training Instructor: Thank you very much, Agents Curry And Heartman! Now I’d like to introduce my old friend, Agent Rake.
Agent Rake: Hmm. Actually, if we’re going to be strictly honest, I think we are all a little odd. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Did anyone catch when we’re breaking for lunch?
Training Instructor: You recently transferred to the Vancouver B.C. branch office. Tell me what kind of work you’ve been involved with there.
Agent Rake: That’s highly classified information.
Agent Heartman: Lighten up, Rake.
Agent Rake: Hey, if I was any lighter I’d have wings. Okay, okay. We had a little bit of a situation with a group of radicals. Nothing we couldn’t handle. Our job would be easy if the people trafficking in stolen magical artifacts were just in it for the money, but some people it’s a political cause. Those are the ones we have to watch out for.
Agent Rake: Kansas.
Agent Curry: I got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore…
Agent Rake: We’re not in Kansas. We don’t have a field office in Kansas. Come to think of it, we don’t have a field office here either.
Agent Heartman: It’s a joke, Rake. You know--like you saying you’re from Kansas.
Training Instructor: What’s your favorite thing about being an Irregular?
Agent Rake: Getting to hang out with a bunch of comedians.
Training Instructor: And last, do you have any advice for the recruits?
Agent Rake: The pay is lousy, the hours are lousy, the company is lousy. It’s you’re basic law enforcement entry position -- with a high risk of being eaten before your third year anniversary.
Training Instructor: Thank you Agent Rake! And now, recruits, I’d like to introduce Agent Silas August, who comes to us from the San Francisco branch office, recently returned from an internal investigation in Mexico City. How are you, Agent August?
Agent August: Fuck you. Where’s the bar?
Training Instructor: [nervous laughter] …heh heh. So what’s your favorite part of working for the Irregular Division?
Agent August: There is no favorite part. It’s a terrible job and hell on the social life. I haven’t been laid in seven years. I just had someone put their fist through my torso. They won’t let me use my shard pistol in California. A taco gave me the shits and I –
Training Instructor: OKAY, thank you very much. Is the gentleman beside you an agent?
Agent August: No, Deven’s a consultant for the agency. Deven? You want to say something?
Deven: …do I have to?
Agent August: Deven is shy. He’s also socially inept. But he can kill three demons with his bare hands in under a minute, and can work some freaky ass magic. And he’s mine, so don’t get any ideas you perverts.
Deven: [rolls eyes] What am I doing on this island?
Training Instructor: How did you get that scar across your throat, Deven?
Deven: Lord Knife slit my throat when I was a hostage in the Aztaw underworld. Can I go now?
Agent August: Yeah, I’ll meet you back in the cabana, baby, soon as I’m done with this bullshit. Am I done with this bullshit?
Training Instructor: …uh, sure. Thank you Agent August.
Agent August: Whatever.
Training Instructor: Oh! I can’t believe Agent Henry Falk is here! Recruits, Agent Falk has been with the division since the very beginning. Agent Falk, do you mind if I have a word with you?
Agent Falk: [takes a swing from his flask, stares blankly]
Training Instructor: How has the agency changed over the years since you first started?
Agent Falk: People seem more grossed out by using spit and urine in spells nowadays.
Training Instructor: Ew.
Agent Falk: See what I mean? No one will even touch Brownie shit anymore.
Training Instructor: Is it true you recently visited the Sidhe realm?
Agent Falk: How would you define recently? I was there when I bought my last pair of socks. That was in ’68. Is that recent?
Training Instructor: [frowning] uh… no. Its 2011 now.
Agent Falk: Woah! [takes another swig from his bottle]
Training Instructor: Well, what would you say to the recruits about… oh my god, is that blood soaking through your trenchcoat?
Agent Falk: Yeah. Woops. My bad. Sorry about the floor. Will you excuse me now? [goes to bar, orders more whiskey]
Training Instructor: [shouts after him] I think you should go to the medical ward!...well, I don’t know about you guys, but the bar by the pool is getting kind of crowded, and I’m thirsty. Let’s take a fifteen minute break and reconvene here for our next session, “Oral Suction Techniques For Removing Hydra Venom From Wounds!”
Got any questions for the our training instructor? No need to raise your hand. Just go ahead and ask!
(And we're giving away another Irregulars preorder today too, so that’s just one more reason to comment!)