Shopping With Will

Anywhoo, I’m lying there under my umbrella, complete with a Virgin Mary, extra spicy just like I like, because my baby the cabana boy made it for me, when my satellite phone rang. Even though I'm at the Desert Island for three days it seems my fourteen-year-old son has invited all his friends, most of whom are cute fourteen-year-old girls, over for a cookout today. As it happens I have a pretty cool backyard, provided the kids pick up the dog stuff and they don't leave all their pool toys around. I've got an outdoor kitchen with a very nice grill (and yes, my children know not to call it a barbecue because even though we're from California we're not total heathens) and a palapa on the top that makes it look like a Polynesian tiki hut. We have a scattering of tiki torches and a pink flamingo or two.

It seems that despite the fact that I went grocery shopping three times this weekend, he has a list, and puppy dog eyes I can hear over the phone, so I thought I’d grab my BFF Will Lanier from ePistols at Dawn and ask him if he wants to go shopping with me.

Will agrees to do the deed and oversees my initial preparations. He pretends he thinks my Tiki Bar is tacky to my face, but when my back is turned he pockets my cocktail umbrellas. He knows I know; it’s our thing. I leave them out for him like Reese’s pieces and he followed the trail to the bosom of our family. I’m all tricksy like that.

Will: Does this outfit say, “I’m just here for the food samples” to you?

Me: Uh. I don't know if there is a proper way to dress at Sam's Club, Will.

Will: I’m not used to going out with someone as obviously “mom” as you are. I mean this in the nicest way, honey, but I didn't want to overshadow. It's your stay at the Dick place, after all.

Me: That's D-I-K like an acronym, Will, it stands for Desert Island Keepers.

Will: I saw the pictures of the men on that website, Z, and I beg to differ. Anyway, you say potato; I say whatever. What do we need to buy?

Me: It says here he needs hamburger patties, and sides. He wants to grill the burgers and impress his friends.

Will: You're letting that child control fire?

Me: He's grilled before. His eyebrows grew back and the dog forgave him. I thought maybe we could make little Pineapple Coconut smoothies. I have a blender and there is supposedly electricity going to the outlets. Unless the breaker tripped again.

Will: Still having trouble with the electrician? I could talk to him for you.

Me: The last time you talked to someone for me, you disappeared for a weekend and he ended up writing his memoirs and buying a private island. So no thank you, Will.

Will: That was before Dr. Adorable.

Me: Like I'd take a chance. I also need some assorted crackers and cheese, and maybe some fresh fruit.

Will: Who are these kids? Jeez. You’re supposed to give them a blue box of Mac and Cheese and say, “You know where the microwave is.” You know what Kelly loves? He likes those cocktail smokies with a jar of grape jelly and some chili sauce.

Me: Seriously?

Will: Are you kidding? He thinks he's all Mr. Epicure when he's with Jae and he's all like, "Oh, Jae, may I grill you a swordfish steak with wasabi crème anglaise?" But I think he's been secreting away squeeze cheese in the trunk of his car. At least, **at this Will shudders delicately** I hope that's what that smell is. I can't be on top of everything like I used to be, if you know what I mean.

Me: I hope I don't, Will. Really. Okay, back to my kids. There is going to be swimming, so I'll need waters and paper plates. Xander said he wanted to serve crudités.

Will: Don't your kids like kid things? Like hot dogs and Scooter Pies and red Twizzlers?

Me: Well. Sure they do.

Will: By the time I was fourteen I could eat anything I wanted because I paid my own way. But I needed to stay strong so I couldn't just indulge, you know? You can’t eat junk because you don't stay healthy long if you don't take care of yourself. It’s not like anyone…

Me: Aw, dang, baby. You can play a little every now and again, right?

Will: Well, when Dr. Adorable's not looking. He's all about the healthy.

Me: What if you remake that list for Xander and put everything you like on it, I'm sure he wouldn't mind, and we'll eat whatever you want tonight. You can stay and make gently supercilious fun of my teenagers. What do you say?

Will: Really?

Me: I swear William Lanier, you act as if you've never been part of a fam— Of course you can stay, sweetheart. Invite Jae and Kells. Invite Dr. Adorable and tell him, "My house, my rules." Eat what you like and I'll clean it all up afterwards. That's why I had kids in the first place; so I could get that lifetime of uncompensated servitude out of my system.

Will: Can I be one of your kids?

Me: Don’t be a dumbass baby, you already are. Now stop being silly and put on your nasty red shoes. Junk food doesn't buy itself.