Tumperkin's Arrival at the Island

[T steps off an elegant Victorian yacht assisted by a dark haired man with extravagant dimples who sports over a dozen watches on his waistcoat: Graham Wessit]

T: Ah, Graham - what a relaxing journey!

G: I don't think the others would agree ma'am.

[A motley crew of incredibly handsome men all in Regency or Victorian dress stagger off the boat looking green. One carries an abacus under his arm, another - with a thick luxuriant moustache - has a ferret perched on his shoulder]

T: Syddy's gone on ahead to get the house ready. There should be cocktails waiting when we arrive.

G: Mmmmmm. I like cocktails.

[A long haired man, also in Victorian dress but more conservatively dressed, catches up with them: Sebastian Verlaine]

S: Me too! And orgies.

G: (looking pleased and surprised) Me too!

[S and G engage in an animated conversation about spit-roasting. T smiles at them benignly and drops back to talk to another dark-haired man in slightly later Victorian/bordering on Edwardian dress. He is fingering his moustache nervously: Michael McNeil]

T: New tash feeling odd, Michael?

M: Rather. I shaved my whiskers off after I came back to civilisation from the wilderness. There's something wild and animalistic about having hair on my face. It makes me feel - funny.

T: (eyes gleaming) Mmmmm. Yes, I can see that. Have you spoken to Mick Tremore yet? He might be able to help you come to terms with your new look. Oh, and you'll love Syddy. He's an artist too. Not really in your league to be honest but terribly enthusiastic. (Brightly) Maybe the two of you could go painting together and I could come too - to um - watch!

M: (looking dubious) Wouldn't that be terribly tedious for you?

T: No, no! I love watching men - um, paint together. Ah, here's Mick! Mick, how are you, you great handsome man?

Mick: (grins) Fine and dandy, Ma'am. Might there be any ratting on the island?

T: (soothingly) I'm sure there will be. Would you two excuse me? I see the Duke of Jervaulx is looking a little lonesome and isolated.

[T walks over to yet another incredibly handsome dark-haired man - no tash - in Regency dress who looks a bit awkward]

T: Christian! Are you feeling a bit better since we got off the boat?

C: (after a moment's struggle) Yes - ma'am.

T: You look a little lonely.

C: I - no - was thinking of - mathematical theorem. Complex. Very (concentrates hard) interesting.

T: Oh. Yes. I'm sure. Well, (brightly) I'll leave you to it, shall I Chris?

[C nods absently and T walks to the last man off the boat. He is dressed in the scarlet uniform of a cavalryman from Wellington's army and he is missing his left arm. He has a tash, naturally: Charles Audley]

T: Charles darling!

Charles: (in a low, thrilling voice so that this one word seems to go on and on and on) Ma'am.

[C executes an exquisite bow over T's hand and kisses her fingers]

T: That's more like it! Ah, Charles, I know we're going to get on tremendously. But I must tell you that Syddy is a little - jealous of you.

Charles: (puzzled) But why?

T: He thinks you will replace him in my affections. It's absurd of course - but - wait! Here he comes now!

[S approaches them with a limping gait and his right arm sleeve pinned up. He is smiling shyly]

T: (delightedly) Oh Syddy! Did you do it for me?

S: Yes ma'am. Do you like it? [S fingers the tash that he has been growing since he came to oversee construction on the island]

T: It's gorgeous, Syd. Come here.

[T links arms with S and C, one on either side and they all walk up the house together.]

The End

BTW, pop over to my blog today for chapter 3 of the new category pastiche, The Italian Gourmet-Baby-Food Baron's Ironically Pregnant Virgin Mistress!